I'm not all up in arms about it or anything but there are just some serious problems that have plagued the cartoon industry since day one. Now maybe it's indicative of my lifestyle or my state of boredom that I'm taking the time to write about them, but I legitimately feel that they're worth addressing. However, I am also saying this at 10:30 in the morning on a Friday when I have no class so I'll let you be the judge.
I think my biggest problem is that some can talk and others can't. You have the classic Tom & Jerry's which possibly showed the most consistency with their choice of no dialogue. I think later on they may have started to talk, but that's irrelevant. At least they were consistent in that at the same time Tom & Jerry couldn't talk, both of them couldn't talk. Even when they started talking, BOTH of them started talking. That at least shows some consistency, whereas you have some classics as Chip 'n Dale where Chip, Dale, Monterey Jack, and just about every other character can speak in words and you've got Zipper who can't be understood by the audience, but inexplicably can be understood by the Rescue Rangers. I don't know, maybe I thought too much about my cartoons as a kid, but I don't think it's so difficult to expect a fly to speak some English if the mice can. Especially since they'd just have Chip or Dale rephrase what he said in English kinda like how they did with Lassie. Zipper would squeak for an excruciatingly painful 30 seconds and Chip would say "What's that? Monterey Jack and Dale are in trouble?" Then why not just have him say that rather than make my ears bleed from the squeaking of that damned fly?
I suppose what it boils down to self awareness on an animated scale, which seems kinda like a heavy concept for children, but then again, i doubt they were thinking about it in the first place. Another problem that I had with cartoons as a child which could be chalked up with the acceptance of the idea of self awareness is animated nudity. You have Minnie and Mickey who won't go anywhere without their lame little matching outfits but then you have Pluto who wore no clothes at all. I suppose that might be due to the fact that Pluto was supposed to be Mickey's dog (don't even get me started on how that works) but still even real dogs wear a nice dog sweater every so often. Even more troublesome were characters like Donald Duck. He seemed to be the middle ground for the debate as to whether cartoonists should actually take the time to animate clothes on animals or not. I don't understand how a duck can get out of the shower and wrap a towel around his waist (which he does and I have the YouTube clip to prove it) before taking the time to put on a shirt and walking outside entirely pants-less. He obviously has something to hide because he wore a towel out of the shower... but what he had to hide? A secret Disney took to his grave...
Now back to the whole Pluto being Mickey's dog thing. Forget the fact that any dog would make that mouse his bitch or even the fact that Pluto is inexplicably half the size of a mouse and concentrate on the fact that one animal, the weaker one no less, owns another animal. I don't know about you but I think people had a deal like that once... Oh yeah, it was called slavery. I mean, what the hell man? There have been people bitching and whining about Spongebob indoctrinating their children with the gay agenda (although sponges are by nature asexual and reproduce through regeneration) but no one's up in arms about the fact that we've got animals owning other animals? If the Coalition for Family Values is bitching about a homo sponge, I demand that they get just as offended by Disney's use of slavery in their cartoons. Yeah, I don't really see that happening either... My thing is I can't possibly be the first one to read slavery into that whole thing. I'm not even the most overly political correct person I know. Next thing ya know they're gonna have Mickey takin' a huge bite out of a medium rare steak. I mean, seriously guys, I think cannibalism is probably where we should draw the line...
Friday, January 25, 2008
Monday, January 21, 2008
The Spirit of Competition
It's happened to everyone. You go to the gym and you're doin' your Stairmaster or your treadmill or whatever it is you do in the gym and you simply glance over at the person next to you. Now, whether you know this or not, a locking of the eyes is a sign, much like revving your engine when at a red light, and it says your looking for competition. From there on out there is no such thing as pacing yourself in your workout. You're like two rams with their horns locked, but somebody has to give way before the other.
The weirdest part are the times when it doesn't even start with the eye contact. Maybe it's just me personally (but I doubt it is) but even looking at somebody else's monitor brings out this dormant competitive spirit. What's that, the chick next to me is doing 7.5 miles per hour on a level 8 incline? Well, clearly that means I have to do at least 8 miles on no less than a level 10 incline. I don't know why it's necessary, but a work out is almost more gratifying if you're competing with the person next to you, kinda like how there's gotta be somebody to take last place. I understand that someone has to lose... just as long as its not me.
Then there's the joy of the other person noticing. Now, there are always 2 responses to this. The first, which is a pretty rare response, is that the other person sees what you're doing and doesn't really do anything, doesn't react in anyway, and usually if they take this approach, they kinda give you a weird look, sorta like you're a crazy person. The second response is an escalated one. Usually, the other person takes notice and retaliates. They either increase their speed and raise their level of incline or they take the longevity route where they wait for you to wear yourself down (which is totally the cheap way out but a path taken nonetheless). When the person increases their speed and such, it's a double dare. You have to raise the stakes or you hafta walk away then and there. If you opt to raise the stakes, it tends to get pretty ridiculous. First you starting raising by a full mile per hour, then as you start to get up in the numbers it becomes halves until it eventually becomes elevation so slow that it's hardly even noticeable to the human eye. Unfortunately by this point in the game, any increase is noticeable to you. Water is running low and you're starting to hurt and I don't mean in the "you're pushing yourself but you can make it through" kinda way. I mean in the "a trip to the hospital is imminent" kinda way. That's when the stakes don't even matter anymore and you just want to be able to walk back to your apartment by the end of this.
By the end of this ridiculous and somewhat childish unspoken competition, it never even matters who walks away first. I know, it all started out about winning but usually, you've pushed yourself too hard and the triumph of winning no longer exists. All that's left is the promise of compresses for your aching calves when you get back to your room. So in the end, no one really walks away a winner or a loser. If you're still walking, eh, you're a winner in my book.
The weirdest part are the times when it doesn't even start with the eye contact. Maybe it's just me personally (but I doubt it is) but even looking at somebody else's monitor brings out this dormant competitive spirit. What's that, the chick next to me is doing 7.5 miles per hour on a level 8 incline? Well, clearly that means I have to do at least 8 miles on no less than a level 10 incline. I don't know why it's necessary, but a work out is almost more gratifying if you're competing with the person next to you, kinda like how there's gotta be somebody to take last place. I understand that someone has to lose... just as long as its not me.
Then there's the joy of the other person noticing. Now, there are always 2 responses to this. The first, which is a pretty rare response, is that the other person sees what you're doing and doesn't really do anything, doesn't react in anyway, and usually if they take this approach, they kinda give you a weird look, sorta like you're a crazy person. The second response is an escalated one. Usually, the other person takes notice and retaliates. They either increase their speed and raise their level of incline or they take the longevity route where they wait for you to wear yourself down (which is totally the cheap way out but a path taken nonetheless). When the person increases their speed and such, it's a double dare. You have to raise the stakes or you hafta walk away then and there. If you opt to raise the stakes, it tends to get pretty ridiculous. First you starting raising by a full mile per hour, then as you start to get up in the numbers it becomes halves until it eventually becomes elevation so slow that it's hardly even noticeable to the human eye. Unfortunately by this point in the game, any increase is noticeable to you. Water is running low and you're starting to hurt and I don't mean in the "you're pushing yourself but you can make it through" kinda way. I mean in the "a trip to the hospital is imminent" kinda way. That's when the stakes don't even matter anymore and you just want to be able to walk back to your apartment by the end of this.
By the end of this ridiculous and somewhat childish unspoken competition, it never even matters who walks away first. I know, it all started out about winning but usually, you've pushed yourself too hard and the triumph of winning no longer exists. All that's left is the promise of compresses for your aching calves when you get back to your room. So in the end, no one really walks away a winner or a loser. If you're still walking, eh, you're a winner in my book.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Blind Wheel of Fortune
Today's post goes out to the blind readers who ironically and in a cruel twist of fate, probably can't read this, but hopefully they can have some Tuesdays with Morrie type character read it to them or something.
Evidently Pat Sajak is unfamiliar with the word "handicapability" because the show Wheel of Fortune, now its 24th season, seems to be lacking a devout blind fan base. Oh wait, maybe that's because the premise of the show makes it virtually impossible to develop such a following. I mean, think about it. Have you ever seen a blind person playing hangman, which is basically a small scale Wheel of Fortune? Me neither...
Most shows have formatted themselves to allow a blind following (no pun intended). The way they do this is they have a recording that tells the viewer (once again no pun, just a lack of a better term) major things that are central to the plot such as "woman scowls at man". This indicates that the woman is probably ape shit crazy and will probably kill the man later in this episode of Law & Order or rape him with the leg of a table if you're an SVU fan. This expression is central to the plot and television companies have found a way to include the blind demographic instead of leaving them in the dark (okay, that one was intentional and believe me, I know I'm going to hell for it).
Even just about every other game show has the capability to make it friendly to handicap contestants such as Jeopardy which provides a braille listing of all the categories. This allows blind people to prove themselves as smart people too. I mean, c'mon, look at Stephen Hawking. He's basically proved most of the handicapped people in the world are not only smart, but even when handicapped, they can get more tail than you or I (Hawking's is in the process of divorcing his second wife).
Wheel of Fortune can't really equip itself like this or else they'd be changing the braille plates every other turn and by the time it was the blind contestants turn again, they'd have just gotten the freshly printed braille plates and no time to think of their next move. Same goes for those watching (and I use the term loosely) at home. The announcer would have to say "Okay, the category is 'things' and it's seven letters." Now, let's assume the first contestant guessed "s" and there are 3 s's. Then the announcer would have to painstakingly say "Alright, there are three s's and it's now 'blank blank blank s, another s, another blank, and a final s'." By the time, they got done with all the letters and the blanks, the next contestant would have already gone. They'd struggle to catch up and honestly, it'd just suck.
Sadly, it's a lose-lose situation. This post is to request that we end this discriminatory practice of Wheel of Fortune. We could do a letter writing campaign, or boycott the show entirely, but I think the most effective course of action is to deliver Pat Sajak's head to me on a platter. We have to show people we mean business and blind people can fuck people up just as bad as those who have the gift of sight. So don't kill Pat Sajak for me, do it for all the Stevie Wonder's of the world.
Evidently Pat Sajak is unfamiliar with the word "handicapability" because the show Wheel of Fortune, now its 24th season, seems to be lacking a devout blind fan base. Oh wait, maybe that's because the premise of the show makes it virtually impossible to develop such a following. I mean, think about it. Have you ever seen a blind person playing hangman, which is basically a small scale Wheel of Fortune? Me neither...
Most shows have formatted themselves to allow a blind following (no pun intended). The way they do this is they have a recording that tells the viewer (once again no pun, just a lack of a better term) major things that are central to the plot such as "woman scowls at man". This indicates that the woman is probably ape shit crazy and will probably kill the man later in this episode of Law & Order or rape him with the leg of a table if you're an SVU fan. This expression is central to the plot and television companies have found a way to include the blind demographic instead of leaving them in the dark (okay, that one was intentional and believe me, I know I'm going to hell for it).
Even just about every other game show has the capability to make it friendly to handicap contestants such as Jeopardy which provides a braille listing of all the categories. This allows blind people to prove themselves as smart people too. I mean, c'mon, look at Stephen Hawking. He's basically proved most of the handicapped people in the world are not only smart, but even when handicapped, they can get more tail than you or I (Hawking's is in the process of divorcing his second wife).
Wheel of Fortune can't really equip itself like this or else they'd be changing the braille plates every other turn and by the time it was the blind contestants turn again, they'd have just gotten the freshly printed braille plates and no time to think of their next move. Same goes for those watching (and I use the term loosely) at home. The announcer would have to say "Okay, the category is 'things' and it's seven letters." Now, let's assume the first contestant guessed "s" and there are 3 s's. Then the announcer would have to painstakingly say "Alright, there are three s's and it's now 'blank blank blank s, another s, another blank, and a final s'." By the time, they got done with all the letters and the blanks, the next contestant would have already gone. They'd struggle to catch up and honestly, it'd just suck.
Sadly, it's a lose-lose situation. This post is to request that we end this discriminatory practice of Wheel of Fortune. We could do a letter writing campaign, or boycott the show entirely, but I think the most effective course of action is to deliver Pat Sajak's head to me on a platter. We have to show people we mean business and blind people can fuck people up just as bad as those who have the gift of sight. So don't kill Pat Sajak for me, do it for all the Stevie Wonder's of the world.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
My Problem with Mr. Peanut
Mr. Peanut. Before I tell you why I don't like Mr. Peanut, can anyone tell me why they do like him? Because I'm convinced that no one actually likes Mr. Peanut, they just all say that they do because he represents class and sophistication in the nut world, and no one wants to be thought poorly of in the nut world. Well, I for one do not care what cashews nor pecans nor peanuts think of me because I will tell you all about my dislike of him.
First off, he wears a monocle... I mean, seriously, what ass hat wears a monocle? Nobody thinks you're of high breeding just because you were too cheap to spring for two lenses and frames like any normal person would. You don't seem worldly, so why don't you just cut it out?
Come to think of it, most of my beef with him is wardrobe choice and the way he carries himself. For instance, say I was cool with the monocle, didn't mind it one bit, he's still got a top hat and cane. Where ya goin' that you need to be dressed all fancy for Mr. Peanut? Last time I saw ya, you were by the cash register in Walgreen's... not exactly primo location, so why don't ya try wearing some jeans or even cords or how about wearing pants at all instead of focusing on your stupid top hate and cane.
And that's my last thing, the cane, top hat, and monocle are not only kinda douche bag-y, but they're kinda condescending. I don't really understand why a peanut is talking down to me, because in the grand scheme of things, human trumps peanut. I could just eat you ya smug prick. Still, even knowing that I could just eat him, there's something very shameful about being made to think lesser of yourself by a peanut.
In conclusion, I know all the decisions about Mr. Peanut and his dress were made by the corporation, but I still think he's a dick...
First off, he wears a monocle... I mean, seriously, what ass hat wears a monocle? Nobody thinks you're of high breeding just because you were too cheap to spring for two lenses and frames like any normal person would. You don't seem worldly, so why don't you just cut it out?
Come to think of it, most of my beef with him is wardrobe choice and the way he carries himself. For instance, say I was cool with the monocle, didn't mind it one bit, he's still got a top hat and cane. Where ya goin' that you need to be dressed all fancy for Mr. Peanut? Last time I saw ya, you were by the cash register in Walgreen's... not exactly primo location, so why don't ya try wearing some jeans or even cords or how about wearing pants at all instead of focusing on your stupid top hate and cane.
And that's my last thing, the cane, top hat, and monocle are not only kinda douche bag-y, but they're kinda condescending. I don't really understand why a peanut is talking down to me, because in the grand scheme of things, human trumps peanut. I could just eat you ya smug prick. Still, even knowing that I could just eat him, there's something very shameful about being made to think lesser of yourself by a peanut.
In conclusion, I know all the decisions about Mr. Peanut and his dress were made by the corporation, but I still think he's a dick...
Monday, January 7, 2008
Why Inhibitions Are a GOOD Thing
they say drinking lowers your inhibitions. it allows you do the things you've always wanted to do. well, if that's the case, ladies and gentleman, i have my dream career. i like to think small so it's a rather modest one, but here's what it is... first and foremost, i live to drink. then, when sufficiently drunk i aim to come up with a token expression for the night (since i'm already drunk at this point the expressions are strikingly similar, but it's the subtle nuances that allow me to truly express myself). for instance, on an average thursday night my expression will be me looking cross eyed with my tongue hanging out to the left. however, if i'm upset about something or feeling particularly philosophical that night, i go cross eyed and stick my tongue out to the right. don't ask me why, that's pretty much just how i roll. now the final few steps are where you really gotta step up your game. this separates the men from the boys. you hafta find a drunk girl. she can't be wasted so that she can't stand up on her own (i mean, c'mon, you might need her to take the token myspace 'hold the camera and take the picture of yourself and by yourself' and what good is a wasted girl there?) but she has to be drunk enough that she thinks every picture is a good picture. i find most women (or at least the ones i know) have about a 3 or 4 shot warming up period. keep a close eye on the really skinny ones, it usually means less waiting time for the impatient drunkard. now, for the pièce de résistance. the actual picture taking. position yourself strategically so the other people in the picture can't see you, on the off chance that you misjudged them and they nag you for "ruining" their picture when all you were trying to do was accentuate it or make them look better in comparison. now that you've established your look and your audience, you can feel free to tool around the party, ruining various other people's pictures. now, i know what some people might be thinking. "man, thats a sad life goal" or "geez, guy doesn't have much to live for", but ya know what i say to that? i've already achieved my life goal, what have you done with your life asshole?
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