Popples

Well, winter break means a lot of things... for some it means quality family time, for others it means a break from the stress of school work. Well, for this young man it means far too much time devoted to subjects that aren't worth the brain cells. One such example is Popples. That's right, everyone's favorite furry friends.
While there are some undeniable lovable things about them, such as the general easiness. Popples offered a solution for those of us suffering a general lack of coordination who found Transformers way too difficult. Mind you, I had no difficulty in transforming the car into a robot, but it was the putting the robot back into a car that spelled trouble for me. With Popples, all you had to do was take the head and basically stuff it up its own ass. That was all there was to it. You gotta love that.
However, at the same time, there's something that's genuinely insulting about Popples too. While it's nice that it doesn't require much coordination or skill it's like being one of those kids who had to wear a helmet when playing soccer because, yeah, he really is that stupid that a game primarily focused on footwork posed a threat to his head. Not to mention the fact that there should be something disturbing about toy companies wanting to get children into the practice of stuffing things' heads up their own asses. That shouldn't be one of those things that children need to know how to do but apparently, America has its own set of priorities and needs no recommendations from me. A thousand apologies Corporate America, I promise I won't do it again.

What I Learned in Court Today

So for all those of you who haven't heard, I'm now the proud owner of a class C misdemeanor... however, what I found more odd than the unexpected prosecution on behalf of the state of Indiana was the rest of the audience. Although I realize when being prosecuted one can't really point fingers and laugh at others, but the way I see it, something good had to come from my little run in with the law. And believe me, what follows is about as good as it gets.
I think my personal favorite was the guy who was being charged on 3 separate counts. I know what you're thinking, what is a poor, misunderstood kid like myself doing amongst these ruffians? I know, it's hard to believe. It's hard to believe and utterly beside the point all at the same time... So this guy is facing 3 charges, 2 invasion of privacy charges made by the same girl and then 1 count of domestic assault. Even more unbelievable was his current girlfriend was in the crowd, breast feeding in court. I'm all for women being able to breast feed in public, it solidifies the bond and all that bullshit, but seriously, in court? I think Britney Spears is even amazed at how trashy that is. To add insult to injury, she's sitting there in court while this guy is being charged with invasion of privacy of another girl... I think that's as good a cue as any to start collecting child support and changing the locks but, eh, who am I to judge?
Anyways, when the judge begins to read him what he's being charged with, the man raises his hand. "You honor," he says in a Southern twang that brings the pluckings of Dueling Banjos to mind, "in my defense, the invasion of privacy thing isn't true..."
The judge then asks him how is it not true. The man explains that his current girlfriend can vouch that they were both asleep at the time that the events in question occured. being a better man than I, the judge decides to look past his alibi of "my witness can testify to the fact that we were both asleep..." and asks him if he plans to plead not guilty. "Yes, your honor." He replies. The judge takes note of this and finishes reading the charges, listing the domestic assault. Okay, so at this point, it is my place to judge. I'm sure his girlfriend still has swollen ankles (the baby doesn't look that old) but for christ's sake I don't care if you hafta get a wheelchair or a segue, but for god's sake get away from this guy. "Now wait, your honor," the guy interrupts, "I hit a different girl..." So this is pretty much warning number 3 to this woman but she remains there and continues to breast feed.
This brings me to my main point. No one deserves to be hit, I'm not trying to say that so don't get offended just yet. In a simple sentence... stupid people deserve one another. If this chick doesn't get the fact that this guy is clearly not a prime candidate to be her baby daddy, that's her own fault. I just can't believe that someone can have that much faith in another person to think that "Oh, he's stalking his ex-girlfriend..." (mind you, he's stalking the ex-girlfriend while still dating the current girlfriend... not a great sign) and "Well, he does hit people..." but still be dumb enough to believe that it'll be different with her.
I understand, there's a whole lotta psychology and backstory that goes into these cases, but seriously, he's facing 3 counts! I just don't see this ending well, is all I'm saying. Anyways, I just thought I'd share with you all a personal philosophy which I've made abundantly clear to all those who know me in person. Stupid people deserve one another.
In hindsight, maybe wearing a wife beater and calling my ex and hanging up 50 times within the hours of 12 AM and 5 AM while my current lover "sleeps" beside me might just be the boost my love life needs...

No, I Don't Wanna Go Shopping With You

I think one of the greatest reactions to my coming out was from one girl, who shall remain nameless, who responded with "Oh okay... so do you wanna go shopping sometime?". because clearly since I labeled myself as a gay man, i stripped myself off all masculinity. I basically ripped off my balls and gave them to her as a late birthday present. I'm now free to go shopping with women as much as I want to. there's only one problem... I don't want to.
So to answer your question... No, no I do not wanna go shopping with you. There seems to be some preconceived notion that gays love shopping almost as much as they love dick. Well, ladies, I'm here to tell you this is one gay guy who does not wanna go shopping with you now or ever. It's nothing against you personally, it's just that you would never ask one of your other male friends to go shopping with you, so why would you ask me? And for those women that would ask their straight male counterparts A) That's probably why you're single and B) It's pretty emasculating to be asked to be a girl's shopping partner. The 5 reasons that follow are the reasons why I don't wanna go shopping with you.

1) I don't wear women's clothing. I have absolutely no reason to go shopping with you for something that I don't need. That's another thing you need to know about me. I'm a "need to" shopper. I derive very little pleasure from shopping and pretty much only do it when I need to. And as it just so happens, I don't need to go shopping for women's clothing so chances are that I won't go.

2) Having a gay friend does not make him your personal shopper. I don't know what's gonna look cute on you. I don't know if you're an Autumn or a Winter. I don't know any of these things so I'll be about as helpful in picking out your clothing as Helen Keller would be.

3) I have no personal investment in what you wear. If you wanna look good for someone, why don't you ask the person you're trying to impress to go shopping with you? They'll probably be able to better tell you what they think you look good than I would. Contrary to popular belief, gays don't have mind-reading abilities. I can't tell you "Oh yeah, I'm sensing he's gonna like the red shirt with those jeans!" I can't tell so don't ask me to.

4) I never ask you to go shopping with me. It doesn't seem fair that you get to use me for my shopping expertise (if you can even call it expertise) when I never ask you for help with shopping. I know what some people are thinking. They're saying "well, you could!" Yes, yes I could. However, my shopping consists of going to target and grabbing a pack of V-neck undershirts or the terrible trouble of opening a package from my mother who all too often sends me clothing because she knows I'm too lazy to go shopping for myself and that I'll pretty much wear what's easiest. Not exactly the same as spending an hour in Abercrombie, my headache pulsing to the beat of the shitty techno music, while she goes in and out of the dressing room, supposedly trying on different pairs of jeans, although they all look the same to me, and asking me which I like best. There's a bit of a difference.

5) I will lie and say anything looks good to get me out of that store. I've done it before too. It eventually gets to the point where it becomes hard for me to even pretend to care about what you're going to wear. I will do my best to feign some sort of interest, but usually around the third or fourth "uh huh" I find that most girls catch on...

Vacation

hey guys, I'm on vacation iwth my family, although it is far from relaxing. Anyways, I won't be posting for the next few days but I'll be back in business on Christmas Day as a special present to you all... plus I'll be in the airport with nothingto do... Best wishes to everyone and I'll be back on Christmas day... I think I was drunk during this original post

Facebook Crushes: Lovely Fantasies & the Soul-Crushing Reality

I know that I can't possibly be the only one that this has happened to, so i figure it bears asking. Have you ever been in the situation where you've been stalking Facebook (as all of us do) and you see this really attractive person and as a result you kinda Facebook stalk them? Not in an "I won't be ignored, Dan" Fatal Attraction kinda way, but you go back to their profile every so often, check their favorites to see if you have anything in common, or on occasion peruse through your mutual friends to see if he/she's friends with someone you actually like and didn't just become Facebook friends with out of Facebok pity and could possibly get an introduction.
Okay, well, I don't think it's creepy, but maybe I'm the only one. Anyways, I find that I kinda romanticize this person. I find myself enamored with every little anecdote about the person. Don't worry, i fall short of the whole writing their name all over my notebooks or imagining what our kids would look like. It's a curious fascination rather than an actual love or even like at this point.
Anyways, this post is to persuade you to under no circumstances meet with this person. I'm not talking about all the potential Amber alerts or even that whole thing with the guy who met a chick on Myspace and killed her parents so they could be together or whatever. No, the reasoning behind this is entirely self-absorbed and shallow. Suffice it to say, you will be disappointed both in me and in the potential person. Here's a few reasons why...

1) People straight up lie. I will admit to this. I carefully go through my Facebook favorites and only add the books, movies, and music which I think will make me look most sophisticated, mature, and/or intellectual. Admit it, you do too. In actuality, to most people I probably come off as some stuffy, pretentious asshole. Why, do you ask, would I manufacture such an unattractive alter ego? I think all of us write those things with the express purpose of attracting a certain kind of person, so what may be pretentious to you, may just be meant to attract a different kind of person. Either way, don't fall for the trick, at least not such an easy one at least.

2) Pictures. I've heard that television cameras add about 10 lbs. Facebook cameras subtract about 20. It sounds mean, but the men and women you find yourself interested are not as svelt in real life as those horribly attractive pictures of them wailing Cascada at the top of their lungs whilst shit faced. I urge you to think about it, do you like person for more than their looks? If you said "yes" to that question just realistically, you're probably lying. You only know them on Facebook... I mean, c'mon.

3) You're star struck. Much like some B List celebrity, these people aren't actually better than you (chances are you're better off than most B List celebs at this point) it's just the fact that you run in different circles that you're intrigued by them. And much like when meeting most faded stars, it'll probably be somewhere drinks are being served and they'll either end up being an asshole, a slut, or wind up throwing up on you at some point in the night. Although it may be Flava Flav's vomit... it's still vomit. The same basic rules apply to your Facebook crush. In actually meeting them, the stardust in your eyes will eventually wear off and you'll be as dysenchanted as ever.

4) Finally, and most obvious, Facebook is the internet! Facebook doesn't take into account other aspects of a person other than their activities, interests, favorites, etc. There's much to a person than those basic categories and while, to some, that might mean there's more for you to like about the person, in this pessimist's guide that just means that there's just that much more that can go wrong with the person. For instance, you could find this guy and you really like him and only until later would you find out that he likes to wear a diaper and be spanked. Maybe there's a reason Facebook doesn't have a section for fetishes... or maybe there's yet another reason that Facebook relationships aren't exactly recommendable.

Honestly, if you're reading this, you've already demonstrated considerable intelligence and since I base my friendships on physical attractiveness, and that alone, you can probably do better than a Facebook crush. So face the music, Facebook crushes never work out well for anyone.

Inane Ramblings on Count Chocula

Count Chocula, an inspiration to kids everywhere (or at least the fat ones). However, no longer being a child (in the physical sense at least), I still enjoy his company every so often. Anyways, while enjoying my morning meal of Lucky Charms, I was reminded of the Count. Being that I had already finished my cartoons, my mind was a blank and began to wander, as it usually does. Let me guide you through my delicate thought process.
Count Chocula is a Count. He is a Count whose name ends in "ula" therefore he is likened to Count Dracula. Count Dracula was a vampire, a bloodsucker. If those two are in the same league is Count Chocula really a role model or suitable mascot? I think not! I don't even think he's really a Count... although I can't testify to that fact because I don't even really know what the title of Count means... Even more so, I've never seen Count Chocula drink blood in his life, so he's a fraud too!
And finally, due to the chocolatey nature of his name am I supposed to believe that he drinks chocolate instead of blood? What, he drinks the sap from cocoa trees? Because I'm pretty sure those farmers don't get paid very well for their crops... that doesn't make Count Chocula a vampire, that just makes him a dick.
And there you have the end of my thought process.

The Evolution of the Affair

Last night I was watching The Philadelphia Story (Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn, and James Stewart) which is one of my favorite classic movies. I've always enjoyed the idea of a simpler time where a women could get drunk off a few glasses of champagne and feel the urge to go streaking or young men could drink and beat their wives in the process of an ugly divorce only to provide a few laughs about 20 minutes later. Well, okay maybe there are those obnoxious girls who get plastered after, like, one double shot and I'm pretty sure men still beat their wives... only it doesn't get any laughs. But that's besides the point.
As I was watching one of my favorite classic Hollywood movies, most likely because of it's unrealistic and slightly impromptu ending, it's noticeable how movies have changed. For instance, one of the themes in this movie could be argued that it is a wife's job to understand human weakness even if her husband had an affair. While some people might find the concept shocking (I certainly do) I tend to view it as a pretty accurate representation of life at the time the movie was made. It wasn't saying that that's what women should do, it's saying that's what women did do at the time. You can make your own arguments for that as well.
However, if you view movies as indicative of the time period in which they were produced, which many people will agree is true, you have to think about what modern day romantic comedies say about modern women. Although we've come to believe that a woman can be a strong woman without a man, evidently Hollywood never heard this. The very existence of the romantic comedy is proof alone that these ideals have not changed. Aside from that, you also have to take into account that the woman always ends up with a man in order to validate herself, as if women don't ever spend the rest of their lives alone. It's depressing, but it's true. Some people don't end up getting married or being with someone at all. Some people end up alone.
Most upsetting to me though is the resolution of romantic comedies. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an authority on romantic comedies by any means, but it seems to me that the woman never ends up with the man she started the movie with. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, i.e. when the man starts out as a friend, there's still potential for him to be the love of her love she'd just overlooked this whole time. But for the most part it seems that she's with a guy or he's with a girl and then one of them realizes that the person they're with isn't the right person and they run into the open arms of their "true love".
Hmmm, let's see what's wrong with that picture. First off, if she is the one who is engaged or involved or whatever and she runs off to another guy, she is seen as indecisive. She can't make up her own mind about guys, how is she supposed to about anything else? That implies that after the credits, in this perfect imaginary life, she will be without control. The man will make the decisions because she can't decide anything. I mean, first it starts with men, then next thing you know it, she doesn't know what to make for dinner, and clearly we can't have that.
Now in the other scenario where she chases after the guy that is with another woman. Um... yeah, hi, can anyone say "homewrecker"? I mean, who in their right mind would wanna be that girl? At least hold out to be the affair girl. For some reason guys always seems to give the affair girls better presents than their own wives... but seriously, what woman wants to be responsible for breaking up 2 people? Just make him break up with her and come running back to you.
And finally, my biggest beef on the subject, running to someone at the end of the movie is like saying "man, I kinda always thought that you were sorta second best... but no, yeah, I want you for myself". Congratulations on getting the prize! It only comes at the expense of some other boy/girl's suffering, all because you're pretty much an indecisive bitch.
I'm just saying, maybe romantic comedies aren't so romantic after all. Especially considering how insulting it is towards women and they're the target audience. I've never really got that. Or perhaps what it boils down to is maybe I just shouldn't watch romantic comedies... take your pick.

Language of the Lonely

I'll admit, I have a bit of a soft spot for the personals. It's more for a laugh than anything else. I mean, half of them sound like a direct rip-off of "if you like pina coladas". Some of them I just look at and after reading the little blurb they wrote about themselves, it's painfully apparent that he's a shut-in and she's a cat lady.
However, every so often I find a good one. Not like a good personals ad or somebody actually interesting in the personals. When I say "a good one" I mean an ad more mystifying than the word jumble, sudoku, and stone henge combined. I know SWF stands for Single White Female. M means Male, but maybe it's just me, I can never make it much further with the initials.
What I found even more amazing is the attention to detail that goes into writing these things. Word choice is very delicate procedure in the world of personals ads. While some people straight up lie (like that lady that says she's a size 4 and lives with her 5 cats... I mean, c'mon) there are those who know the name of the game. "Statue-esque" means it's like dating a shaved Bigfoot. "Cozy apt." means a hole in the wall and after the first date you'll be going back to your place because his/her mom doesn't like having "friends" over after 9. Some of these discrepancies are noticeable, but you just hafta understand the subtext of the personals, which I admittedly do not. I can tell some of the basics, but then again, so can just about anybody. However, knowing me, I have an unquenchable thirst for absolutely useless knowledge, so I've come up with a solution.
In a desperate attempt to solve this dilemma I've resolved that when I am financially sound I'm going to take lessons in Personals. Maybe see if I can pick up a Muzzy tape or something. "Muzzy Finally gets Laid". Another good technique is what we used back in middle school. Ah yes, good ol' Learnables. You listen to a tape and look at pictures so you associate the words on the recording with the images before you. Either way, I will not stop until I'm fluent in Personals. Then I'll write a book or maybe make a decoder ring that you can get in your box of Frosted Flakes so that you can translate the personals.
This goes out to all those who yearn to understand just what is going on when a woman says she's "d&d neg".

"Home Depot" Gay

I was at a party the other night with some pals when after a great many drinks, the topic of sexual identity came up. It wasn't really a big deal, it never is but it got me thinking. Some guys, in a gesture of masculine hospitality of course, kept telling me how they really appreciated the fact that my sexual identity was never my first and foremost factor. I wasn't simply a gay man.
I have no stereotypical lisp. I don't walk around with a limp wrist. I'm not huge on words like "fabulous" or "divine".
I'm a writer. I'm a tattoo enthusiast. I'm a music lover. I'm all of these things in addition to my identity as a homosexual male.
It may sound self-loathing, but it's just always been the way I am. My friends and I have actually come up with a term for it. We like to call it "Home Depot Gay". The joke is, I can't help you pick out which dress to wear for your date and re-install the shelves in your closet all at the same time.
I've never denied who I was. If someone's curious about my sexuality, I'll be honest, but I think the situation can be approached with more tact than quoting Streisand's entire discography or fulfilling some other painful stereotype. However, this got me to thinking about the sense of culture that goes along with the practice of labeling people in terms of these stereotypical characteristics. Although I think it's entirely possible to accept the idea of a masculine homosexual, for some reason other identity groups have difficulty acknowledging it. By heterosexual men, I am viewed as male but it discounts the fact that I'm a homosexual male.
However, it seems that I've encountered more confrontation from queer culture in identifying myself as a masculine gay guy. It ranges from being called self-loathing by not fulfilling all the stereotypes that heterosexual culture puts forth to being "a bad gay" which to that I must issue an apology, I didn't know we were being graded.
I guess my biggest problem is with the idea that no one seems to be able to grasp the concept that there is such an identity as "masculine homo". It's not recognized by heterosexual culture where "masculine" is really the only word they hear. Even more disappointing is the fact that it's not accepted in queer culture. Evidently "homo" is the only thing of interest in that statement.
It's difficult to feel a sense of any identity when one's own identification isn't recognized.