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Sunday, March 22, 2009

Horses on the Planet of the Apes? Not Cool Man, Not Cool

Not much is expected to make a whole lotta sense in a world where Charleton Heston is supposed to be representative of the human race... still, a form of, what I'll generously call logic, feels like it dictates the ape society. They have a functioning, albeit slightly skewed, set of laws, indicating that there's a clear set of actions and consequences. However, Charleton Heston is persecuted for... I don't know what the legal term for it is, but basically being a douche and not hairy. Fast forward to the end of the movie when Charleton heston is escaping and he's runnin' on the beach or whatever, with the humanoid apes in tow. How do they catch up to him so fast? They ride horses... I'm sorry, but does nobody else find this weird that the apes in Planet of the Apes ride horses? I mean, don't get me wrong, I go to film school so I understand "suspension of disbelief" which is a pretty crucial concept in watching a movie where apes rule the world, but still, I mean, apes are heavy motherfuckers. I'm no equestrian, but I don't think horses can even carry that much weight directly on their backs... The weight issue aside, it just seems kinda douche-y that apes are making horses their bitches. I mean, apes have been oppressed before so they should understand where the horse is coming from. A little solidarity between apes and their horse brethren doesn't seem like it's too much to ask, but evidently the apes just aren't havin' it. Whatever, apes are douche bags.
PS I'm aware this is less than eloquent...
PPS Charleton Heston is also a douche

Monday, January 26, 2009

An Ode to Facebook

Dear Facebook,
This is a gentle reminder of what joy you bring to the lives of many. However, one of the other things you do that shouldn't be ignored is the definite creeper aspect. Not only do you allow others access into my wonderful world, but through the whole "People You May Know" deal, I've achieved new creeper status that makes even me feel uncomfortable. Allow me to elaborate. While at the gym today, I was on the treadmill and there was a guy 2 treadmills away (treadmills as a unit of distance? yeah, that's not a thing...) and he looked vaguely familiar. I kept trying to figure out where I recognized him from until I realized, yeah, it's thanks to the "People You May Know" thing on Facebook. Even though it's not my fault that I've got thoroughly impressive investigative skills that would put the likes of Veronica Mars to shame, I still felt a little part of me die inside. It is for this reason that I request either one of the two options a) Remove the "People You May Know" thing or b) and the more likely one... get me a life. I probably spend way too much on Facebook anyways. Until one of the two happens, consider us on a "break" (don't worry, it probably won't take). Until then, hope all is well with you.
Sincerely,
Calhoun

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Problem with Planes and the Politics of the Nervous Flier

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a nervous flier. I don't really think somebody's gonna bomb the plane or we're gonna do a nosedive into the nearest body of water, but I lose sight of my rationality once I get past the creepy security guard with the lisp or the giantess female security guard with the slightly hairy upper lip. Admit it, the people at the airport, particularly O'Hare aren't the friendliest or the most appealing lot. But even when I get past that, a strange fear has already taken ahold of me. As I get to the boarding gate, I survey the people around me. I take in the sights, before sitting in a corner by myself and resigning myself to my laptop. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-social (well, maybe I am, but at least not all the time) but there's something different about personal interaction in an airport. It seems so forced and unpleasant. Everyone's on edge, I know I can't be the only one.
By the time boarding has begun, I've successfully shut out everyone around me. Nothing like being crammed into a plane to remind you how tranquility can be so easily shattered. The sounds of mothers scolding their children, and babies crying, all while the flight attendants encourage all patrons to store their carry-ons in the overhead compartments or under the seats in front of them... there's only so loud that an iPod can go...
Easily the most nerve wracking part of the voyage is counting the seats as they go back. As the seats go further and further back I hope to God that the person that I think is sitting next to me is just in the wrong seat. Now, I know this may make me sound like a terrible person, but I prefer to say I'm "particular" because it makes it sound a helluva lot nicer than what it is. There are a variety of people that I could end up being sat next to, but there are only a couple that I dread more than others.
First and probably most obnoxious is the talker. There's always the polite introductions and obligatory discussion about the weather or where the other party is headed to, but then, by the time you take off and you're allowed to use your iPod, you're stuck in a forced conversation. Conversation lags and is entirely and awkwardly silent at some parts, but still, there's this need to revitalize the conversation by any means possible. Frequently, this is managed by pictures of children and grandchildren and the occasional anecdote about their various successes. Not to be rude, but I don't care if little Susie said the cutest thing the other day. Tell it Kids Say the Darnedest Things or at least someone who can feign interest, but these stories are often interrupted by yawns on my part and the overwhelming urge to fall asleep mid-sentence. However, I have one advantage being a 21 year old traveler. I never thought I'd say it, but I have school on my side. As soon as the other party expresses an interest in having a conversation, I pull out the heaviest textbook I have and claim that I have a lot of reading to do for class. Whether I actually read or not is irrelevant, but it's all in how you sell the lie, which is why I either recommend the heaviest of the one with the most complex title.
To be continued...