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Sunday, November 30, 2008

Doublemint is Living a Lie

So, I was in the grocery store the other day. As I waited for the cashier to finish counting the coupons of the old lady in front of me, I began to peruse the selection of outrageous shit they have at the counter. Evidently, one of the Olsen twins is a balloon now and some stupid bitch from CSI is leaving her husband (I have my doubts about either of those things being true, but even if they are, as if they're newsworthy?) National Enquirer only remains interesting for so long, and for me, about 5 seconds seems about right. I started checking out the gum, thinking about how many varieties of gum can you possibly have? Myself, I'm more of a classic kinda guy, gimme some Wrigley's any day. When I finally got to the Wrigley's I was checkin' out the spearmint and the Doublemint and the Juicy Fruit and all that shit, when I had a stunning realization. Doublemint is living a lie. Doublemint's not a mint at all. It's even underlined in red because spell check doesn't even recognize it as a real word. Anyways, if you go to Wikipedia (the God ofg all knowledge) and search spearmint, it even has a genus species name, Mentha spicata for those interested,that's how official it is! Wintergreen is a group of plants, but a legit thing nevertheless, whereas, if you were to type in Doublemint into Wikipedia, you'd get "Doublemint is a flavor of chewing gum made by the Wrigley Company. It was launched in the United States in 1914, and has had variable market share since that time." It's been fooling decent, hardworking, American consumers since 1914! I brought it upon myself to expose Doublemint for the liar that it is. It's not a mint at all! It's not even a plant! That being said, I hope this Earth-shattering revelation isn't too heartbreaking for anyone, but I just felt it was important that people know the truth about this fraudulent gum.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Granola With Raisins or Without?

This is not an attack against the granola community. I mean, after all, who doesn't love a little granola in their life? It's more a question of logistics. Now "logistics" and "granola" aren't very often listed in the same sentence or paragraph even really, but it's a question that has literally been plaguing my simpleton mind for at least 3 weeks now. The people in my life have already listened to me lodge this complaint time and time again, so what better outlet to voice my opinion when my friends get sick of me than the internet?
Now for all you Kellogg Granola lovers, you may have noticed the two boxes of granola on the grocery store shelf. One is clearly marked "granola with raisins" whilst the other is labeled "granola without raisins". Now, this may not seem an issue to you, but as just a general loser I can't help but notice, there's no "granola". The granola with raisins is clearly just that, whereas the one sans raisins is obviously "granola without raisins", but why are these two boxes made? Can't the granola without raisins be just called "granola" and then keep the granola with raisins box.
When I voiced this complaint to my friend who's an advertising art major, she said "there's a market for these things. they make the two boxes because people buy the two boxes". While I grimly accept this as a fact, I have a noble concept for the good people of America. If you want raisins, buy the box that says granola with raisins and if it just says granola, just assume that means that there's no raisins in the fucking box! Another concept for all you Kellogg's lovers out there, if you want granola without raisins... look at the picture on the box! If you look at the picture of the "granola without raisins" box you can clearly see that there are no raisins in the bowl! I'm sorry, but ad execs should really stop catering to the dumb asses and encourage a little deductive reasoning of their customers. It doesn't seem like it's asking too much, but hell, what do I know? I'm no advertising art major...